I'll do it.
I'm sorry.
All possums go to heaven.
Uh... Ian. It... I think it's still...
Shit.
Oh, no.
Ian, I'm so sorry, it's...
Oh, God! Jesus fucking... God damn it! I'm trying to do the right thing here.
- He's really hanging in there. - God! Fuck!
You know, Jamie Lynn Spears' baby has got to be about a year old now.
I can't believe she had a fucking baby.
How was I supposed to know it was an endangered possum?
You know, the vet said there's actually a good chance he might pull through.
You better hope so, mister. Get in.
Lock up cell B.
We are in jail.
Okay, listen, you have got to be cool, 'cause if they see you shitting yourself
they're gonna fuck with us.
Hey! Hey, ladies.
Hey, how about you sit the fuck back down before me and you have a problem?
How about you just chill out, man? Be cool.
- All right. We good? - Yeah, we're good.
- Excuse me. - Listen, old man, I'm only gonna tell you...
You should've seen the look in his eyes.
His heart was breaking for this poor little thing.
Shit, that boy Ian don't seem like he got no balls at all.
Why? 'Cause he got to fussing some over a suffering critter?
I think that's real sweet.
Well, I say this Lance, he sounds like a real hunk of man.
The only way you can keep his kind around is to get his babies up in you pronto.
But he got no respect for bitches.
Shathayd's right. No respect for bitches. None whatsoever.
You love Ian, don't you, baby?
Well, it's just we've been best friends since we were really little,
and I don't know, he's the only person I can really talk to, you know?
You give your heart to that boy,
and you can toss that "friendship" right out the motherfucking window.
When I was a girl, my best friend was a fella named Creighton McDaniel.
We used to stay up all night just talking and laughing and carrying on.
Then one day I got it into my head that we ought to be more than friends.
So I tell him I love him.
What happened?
We dated for a few weeks.
Then he met a gal over in Wofford.
We still talk from time to time.
But it was never the same between us.
Baby. Come here. Come on, now. Come on, now.
You know you need a hug. Come on, honey.
Cuddle up.
Dude.
- What? - Look, you're pissing in front of everybody.
Yeah, I am.
- And that guy's looking right at your dick. - Atta-boy.
- Look at you. You're a new man. - No, I'm not.
Dude. You stole a car, ran over a hillbilly,
you got arrested, you got in a prison fight.
See Duane, he was there.
And I mean, you really beat an endangered species to death today.
That's got to count for something.
And now you're in here in jail pissing like a big dog in front of all the perverts.
I mean, there's only one thing left.
Yeah, well, that's out. I was supposed to meet her two hours ago.
Dude, when we get out of here, just tell her you got pinched.
She'll think that's bad-ass, because it totally is.
Lafferty, Nesbitt, your bail has been posted.
Really?
- Time to go. - Shit!
- What? - Rex.
Oh.
All right, this is it for us, Duane,
but, you know, back to what we were talking about earlier,
I don't give a shit what Denise says,
I think there's still room for somebody to write the great American novel.
So take that for whatever it's worth, buddy.
Hey.
Mary!
Wait. Wait. How did you find me?
Well, I called your cell phone, and then someone answered here.
- That's awesome. Okay. - Are you okay? Why are you in jail?
I mean, there's a number of charges,
but the most prominent ones were animal cruelty
and the assaulting the officer.
But it's not nearly as bad as it sounds on paper, okay? I promise.
- Okay. - Okay. Wait right here. Okay.
- Teddy. - Lance, my man.
- You guys got my stuff? - It's gonna be a few minutes.
All right.
- Your daughter still selling those cookies? - Yes.
You find me that wallet, I'll buy one.
- That'd be nice of you. - How is she now?
I'm just fucking with you. I don't need one more charge brought.
You can't know, oh, no You can't know
How much I think about you, no
It's making my head spin
Looking at you And you are looking at me
And we both know what we want
So close to giving in
Ian, don't do this. No, don't turn into Lance. You're a good guy.
Yeah, well, that's why I'm still a virgin.
So what if you're a virgin? God, Ian, it's just sex. It's not...
No, Felicia, it's not about the sex. It's not. I'm weird.
I'm the only virgin I know. I need to get this done
so everyone can just stop freaking out about it.
Look, I know you don't approve, but I'm sorry, I just...
I'm not going home a virgin.
Then, sport, fuck me.
What?
Sport, fuck me and not some stranger.
We're friends so you know you're not gonna get some, like,
crabs or genital warts or some pussing thing that's coming...
Wow, Leesh. That's hot!
You know what?
I think I'd rather stay a virgin forever than lose it on pity-sex.
- I'm not talking about pity-sex. - Then what are you talking about?
I don't know. Sex.
It doesn't have to mean anything. It doesn't have to jeopardize our friendship.
Ah!
Leesh, you know what? Fuck the friendship!
I'm sorry, I just can't do it.
I can't be the guy that you're gonna talk to about your boyfriends anymore. I can't...
I can't be the guy who's gonna pick you up in the middle of the night,
and you're gonna cry to because Derrick Dicottes found some other girl.
And maybe I'm just being selfish here, but it is not enough.
Okay, so I'm gonna go out that door, and I'm gonna go have meaningless sex
with some random, hopefully hot, hopefully female person that I met on the Internet.
Unless you've got something better to say to me.
That's what I thought.
Cyclops.
- How'd you find me? - You ever heard of LoJack, cheese-dick?
Come here.
Burn that mother down, y'all
Burn, baby, burn
Disco inferno
Burn, baby, burn
Burn that mother down
Come on, Rex, wait. The girl... The one I told you about from the Internet.
She's right across the street, Rex. She wants to do it with me and everything.
Like I give a shit!
Get your shit, queer-bait! We're going home.
Okay. Okay, fine.
Now!
It probably wouldn't have changed
all these feelings that I've been having lately anyway.
What are you talking about?
I don't know, Rex. You know, just feelings,
curiosity about men.
Oh, shit, Ian!
I think you might be right. I think I might be getting gay.
God damn it. Fuck!
But I just haven't had any luck with girls, Rex.
No way! No way my little brother's taking it in the chili ring.
All right, you take the car,
and you go bang the female woman like the good Lord intended.
You've got one hour!
- Ian. - Yeah?
Fill up the tank, would you, buddy?
- Tank is at a little low. Yeah, thanks. - Right.
Hey, man. You looking for somebody?
Ms. Tasty.
Ian?
Oh, my gosh! Hey.
I was sure you were standing me up.
- But here you are. Look at you. - See you.
You look a little different than your picture.
Yeah, I know. I lost a lot of weight 'cause I had the runs... The flu.
Well, you're mighty cute, and your car is really pretty.
Why don't you take me for a ride?
So, Ms. Tasty, what's your real name?
- How about I tell you after? - Yeah, sure.
Works for me.
...below the ocean Where I wanna be
She may be
Way down below the ocean...
- No, Mary, wait. - What?
- What's wrong? - Nothing. I mean...
Nothing, I just... I really like you,
and I don't want to ruin this. You know?
But, hey, maybe you could come to Chicago and we could hang out
- and take it a little... - No.
Lance, it doesn't work like that.
And, I mean, if I don't go back, I'm gonna be shunned.
I could never see my family again.
- This Amish thing is a real motherfucker. - Yeah, tell me about it.
- Ian. - Yeah.
I think we should take our clothes off.
Wow. Really? Right here?
Mmm-hmm.
No one's around for miles. Come on.
Okay.
- What do you think? - Thank you.
That is one of the better sets that I've seen today.
I appreciate your honesty.
They're nice.
Really?
You're fit.
- You're so sweet. - Yeah.
I think we should take your clothes off now.
Yeah, maybe we should.
- I don't play football! - Okay.
I... I really don't. I mean, I don't really even watch football.
I mean, I got all that stuff from Friday Night Lights,
which is a show. It's also a movie starring Billy Bob Thornton.
- I don't know if you saw it, but... - Ian.
What? You think everything in my profile's the God's honest truth? No.
Now, come on, take your clothes off.
Look, there's this girl...
Ian, this can be our little secret. No one has to know.
Now come here.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I can't do this with you.
I'm kissing you, and I'm thinking about somebody else.
No, and I know that's a stupid thing to say. I mean, she's not even...
Oh, no, no, no. Ms. Tasty, please don't cry.
It's not a reflection of... You're so pretty, like...
You're laughing.
Just take your fucking clothes off, asshole!
Look, I'm sorry, okay. I don't mean to lead you on here,
and I'll give you a ride home, but I don't think that... What the fuck?
What's up with the bandana, dude? Huh?
What're you, a Gap model?
- Do you have any jacks? - Yup.
- I win. - Again.
Yup.
- All right, just take your shirt off. - Okay, good.
You were right, Ian. '69 Judge. You were worth the wait.
- Please, no! Come on, it's not even my car! - And good luck with the lady friend.
Fuckface!
Felicia. Oh, shit! Oh, shit.
Oh, Bobby, you were so awesome back there.
- Love you so much. - Cool.
Hey, you know, I was thinking, do you always have to flash them the twins?
You know, I mean, I do got a gun.
- Oh, baby, you know they're only for you. - Okay, cool.
Now, listen. I got another car coming any minute now, okay?
- Got it. - So take me back to the Big Boy
- and get this goat over to Luis. - Right.
And where is Luis? 5th and Crescent!
- I fucking told you. - I know where it is.
And if you do good, momma's gonna take real good care of you.
Really?
You mean the thing I like well?
Yeah, just want to make sure we're talking about the same thing here.
The pepper grinder.
Pepper grinder!
Pepper grinder! Yeah.
Hi.
- Hey, boys. You finally made it. - What's up, Ms. Tasty?
What's up? What's up?
- Damn, you're hot as fuck. - Yeah.
- We brought beers and rubbers. - And some lotion for your tits.
- It's not a marathon. - It's a sprint.
- Bang. Yeah. - In chicks.
You Felicia?
I'm Bobby Jo.
Hi.
I can't believe I'm banging an Amish chick. I mean, seriously, what are the odds?
Oh, yeah! More of that.
So, wait, you do want to party?
With us?
Yeah. I want us all to get naked and party.
Fuck! I can't fucking believe this.
Get your ass out of the car, motherfucker!
- Who the fuck are you? - Holy fucking fuck-balls!
Okay, my bad.
Now, I thought you were someone else, all right?
You done fouled up my ride, so I'm gonna have to take yours.
Fuck that shit.
Here you go. Pulls to the left.
What the fuck, dumb-ass?
Oh, shit!
Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck! Oh, shit!
Hey, highlights, back it up.
Bite my dick, asshole!
Ow! What the fuck you do that for?
- Lance? What the fuck is going on? - That's the son of a bitch I was looking for!
Hey, guy. How'd you...
- Found your computer maps, douche-bag! - Okay.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Boat show, you and your boyfriend bring it in here.
I don't need no trouble right now.
Let's go. Bring it in.
- Bobby Jo, who the fuck is that? Who?
- That! - That's Felicia.
She was hiding in the back seat, no biggie.
Fuck! She heard everything then.
- Hello! - Damn, you're right.
Come on, darling.
- Shut up! - Now, take it easy on the hair.
- Get down! - Hey, hey, come on.
- All right, all right. Take your hands off her!
Stop shooting our car. Inconsiderate.
Please! No!
- All right. Get back, man. - Ian?
Everybody just be cool.
- Felicia, you okay? - Yeah, I'm fine.
Ian, give me the goddamn gun before you shoot your dick off.
- Rex, I got this. - Ian!
God damn it, Rex, I got this! Do not fuck with me! Not now!
Ease it back, man. That donut ain't fucking around.
Hands where I can see them.
- Ian, dude, you're working the mouth. - I don't give a shit!
Okay. All right, sorry. You're doing so good. Proud of you.
I mean that. I don't say it enough.
- Tasty and you... - Bobby Jo.
Ian... Over there. Slowly.
All right, you, corn-fed, you can punch my friend Lance, but just once.
- Dude! What the fuck? - You nailed his girlfriend.
- Not exactly. I mean, it was... - And he came all this way.
All right. All right, fair enough. Just not in the nuts.
- Oh, shit! - Okay. Okay, all right.
What a punch. I think my kids are gonna be retarded.
You got a fucking cannon for an arm, dude.
- Yeah, you got a little... - Thanks. My ears are ringing.
Stop it! I'm warning you!
Come on, bro. You ain't gonna kill no one.
Whoa!
- Anybody can shoot a gun in the air, dude. - I'll shoot you in the leg.
Suck his cock, Ian.
- You serious? - Do I look serious?
I don't think you got the plums, boy.
God!
Oh, fuck.
Okay. Okay.
Anybody can shoot someone in the leg, dude.
- Give me the gun! - Jesus, man, what do I got to do?
Don't move, asshole, or you're a fucking stain.
Okay.
Holy shit, Ian. Right on!
Where do you think you're going, cunt?
Cat fight!
'Cause I can't fight this feeling anymore
Damn you, whore!
I've forgotten what I started fighting for
Fuck you!
And if I have to crawl upon the floor
Come crashing through your door
Baby, I can't fight this feeling anymore
Drop the weapon, donut man!
Okay, put your hands on your head!
- Both hands, asshole! I can't move the other arm.
- Who said that? Who said that? - I can't move the other arm.
Sir, I'm not resisting. It's foam, sir.
The big Mexican won't go down! Take the shot!
- Holy shit. - Jesus!
Hold your fire! Hold your fire, okay?
He is not the bad guy! She is the car thief.
Right there. The blond, in a belt for a skirt.
Anything else?
Oh, yeah, apparently there's a guy named Luis,
and he has a chop shop at 5th and Crescent!
- Thanks. - We were just banging that chick in our car.
- Yeah, you mentioned that. - Yeah, super hard.
The boy did have some plums. He had some plums.
Hey, this is Rick. He's played arena football.
- Hi. I'm Mary. - Hi. Nice to meet you.
That's a weird little dude you got there.
Are you guys hungry? Is this place open 24 hours?
Thank you for coming for me.
What were you doing in the back seat?
Nothing. I was...
- You were stalking me. - No, I wasn't. I...
Okay. Yeah, I was stalking you just a little.
I just... I knew you were gonna do something you were gonna regret, and I...
Felicia. Why can't you just say it?
- Why can't you? - Well, I asked you first.
Fine. I'll say it.
- You love me. - Fine.
You love me, too, then.
Life is beautiful
But it's complicated
Thank God.
We barely make it
You fucking heifer.
- You fixed it! - Yeah.
Don't lean on it.
I guess you get to live.
You guys are amazing. - Thanks.
Let's talk seriously for a second.
I figure with the parts and labor, you know, out the door... 4,200.
Oh. Um...
- It's just a round number. - Yeah. No, I didn't really...
I don't know what to...
I'm fucking with you, Ian. We're good, man.
- Wait, I mean, you're serious? - Yeah. I'm serious. We're good. No worries.
- You sure? - Yeah, of course.
- Thank you, man. - It's what I live for,
fixing other people's shit for free.
Yeah.
- Hey. Straight home, pussy!
- Dude, we got to go. Fucking piece of shit!
You go on ahead. I think I'm gonna stay here, kick it Amish.
Dude, what are you talking about?
I don't know, a little hard work, fresh air, missionary position.
It's a man's life.
- Sounds pretty good, you know. - Yeah, it sounds...
Come on, Lance. Get serious.
Come here.
I gotta tell you, I'm impressed. I'm proud of you, you know.
You held out for a good one, the one you wanted.
And you fucking made it happen.
But, please, I'm begging you, go take that girl to visit Grandma.
- All right. - And when you do, don't...
- Lance, I got it. - Yeah?
Yeah.
Okay. I think you might.
- See you. - Bye.
Well, no, no, me, I never worry
Because, me, I never try
And I never care to hold onto what I just couldn't kiss goodbye
- Are you sure you're ready? - Yeah.
All right, well, come on, take them off.
Let's do it.
Yeah!
Oh, shit!
What the fuck!
Give me that fucking shoe...
You know what? Fuck you! I want a divorce.
A few weeks later, I was Felicia's date to Tiffany's wedding.
But this time, it wasn't a just-friends kind of thing.
And Rex did make my life hell for a while.
But that Thanksgiving,
we finally found out what's been up his ass all these years.
I'm gay! And, so, that's it.
By Christmas, my dad got used to the idea.
And Rex is actually a pretty great guy these days.
Yeah, now he only uses the word faggot during rough sex.
Karen and I want you to have this, for Christmas.
- Merry Christmas. - Thanks.
A juicer.
Oh, my gosh! That's so awesome. Wow, I gotta get some fruit.
Wow!
Thank you, thank you.
Dylan knocked up Becca and had to take my old job.
Let's see, what else?
Oh, Andy and Randy finally got a girlfriend.
And on New Year's Eve, Felicia and I finally visited Grandma.
Again?
Damn, yes.
- Felicia, you want to do this? - Yes.
Oh, that was awesome!
- Hey, boys. You get some rest? - Thanks, man. Thanks for fixing the bus.
- A pleasure. - Yeah, thanks for fixing our bus.
- Appreciate it. - Thanks for playing that show for us, too.
- Yeah, no worries. - It was a nice five-song set.
Yeah, what do you guys typically...
I assume you get compensated very well for that.
- Must be a good living. - Yeah, we do. I mean...
Yeah, you know, I... Gosh, if I was really to calculate
what you'd lose if this bus couldn't have gotten back on the road,
if you couldn't have gotten to your shows,
I imagine all those weeping teenage girls outside, "I need to dance. "
Could we send you some pictures? We don't really have cash or anything.
- Some autographed photos? - Or we could give you CDs.
Yeah, we've got a lot of use for that around here.
There is a lot of work that needs to be done around here.
- You guys are some strapping young lads. - I don't know if we're really built for that.
- Yeah. - I can hear you.
I'm just saying, you guys put in a 20-minute show,
- we spent all night on the bus... - Yeah.
I mean, that was a lot of work.
We could maybe try to write a check later on,
or like I said, we could send you guys some CDs.
City folk are always trying to solve things with money.
It's the spirit of the community around here.
Lord, please bless this Fall Out Boy.
Keep him safe on the road.
Help him to aspire to the heights of Jon Bon Jovi.
- Help him to... - Thanks.
- Okay, thanks, man. - Thanks, man. We gotta roll.
- Amen. - We gotta roll, man. Thank you very much.
All right, boys. It was a pleasure meeting you.
I loved your penis on the Internet, by the way.
- Fucking asshole! - You're a dick!
Say my name and his in the same breath
I dare you to say they taste the same
Let the leaves fall off in the summer
And let December glow feel flames
Brace myself and let go
Start it over again in Mexico
These friends, they don't love you
They just love the hotel suites, now
I don't care what you think
As long as it's about me
The best of us can find happiness
In misery
Said, I don't care what you think
As long as it's about me
The best of us can find happiness
In misery
Oh, take a chance, let your body get a tolerance
I'm not a chance, but a heat wave in your pants
Pull a breath like another cigarette
Palms up, I'm trading 'em
Trading 'em
I'm the oracle in my chest
Let the guitar scream like a fascist
Sweat it out, shut your mouth
Free love on the streets
But in the alley and I ain't that cheap, now
I don't care what you think
As long as it's about me
The best of us can find happiness
In misery
Said, I don't care what you think
As long as it's about me
The best of us can find happiness
In misery
Said I don't care just what you think
As long as it's about me
Said I don't care just what you think
As long as it's about me
Said I don't care, I don't care
No, I don't
I don't care, I don't care
I don't care
I don't care what you think
As long as it's about me
The best of us can find happiness
In misery
Said I don't care what you think
As long as it's about me
The best of us can find happiness
In misery
Hi. I'm Amanda Crew, professional actor.
You know in all the teen unrated DVDs,
you never really get to see the star's naughty parts.
Well, that is gonna change today.
That's right. Take a seat,
maybe close the door so mom doesn't come in.
Get all ready. Looks good.
Here we go.
Suckers!
This is serious matter.
Run for your life.
Oh, shit! You know what? We see the fake balls on the table there.